My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
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Don’t tell me what to do
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.