80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: