I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You Might Also Like
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.