Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I’m literally crying
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Huge, if true.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on