Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
We’ve all been there…
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)