Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.