Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.