My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Thursday
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I have a place for everything. The floor.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
do u think theres a butter planet?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf