My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I hope Alan is OK
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.