Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
You Might Also Like
I want to meet the individual who made this
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Perfect
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Hit me in the face with a bird