The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
sleeping beauty
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.