“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
guilty
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far