If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame