ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
You Might Also Like
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat