I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta: