*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot