My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.