My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of ÂŁ500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord ÂŁ1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up ÂŁ25000 to reassure us you can afford ÂŁ500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord ÂŁ1000 a month”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
🤨
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.