every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)