cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat