When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted