[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.