*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.