I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please