You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business