What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
scrabbled eggs
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.