I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.