Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
You Might Also Like
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The sacred texts.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Hmm, not sure about this change
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”