You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Our lord and savoury.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.