I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.