It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
You Might Also Like
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]