A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
You Might Also Like
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
This is amazing.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Care for your back
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.