You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.