I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*