Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…