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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Always
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.