It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
lol
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.