Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10