My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I got bills
They’re multiplying
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.