“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit