well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
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me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔