Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”