*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
choose your gary
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*