The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.