A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
August 8
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them