DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.