Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You Might Also Like
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.