“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Stop it! 😂
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Monica just destroyed the internet
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”