Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.