My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance